So this month I had every intention of writing more, but to be honest, God had other plans.
I was given my word for March, Free, towards the end of February and I was excited about that word. I, in my infinite wisdom, thought I was free.
So, if you don’t mind, I am going to start from the beginning. Trust me, its worth it!
A few months back, God gave me a vision of a meeting that I was supposed to call. In this meeting there were four specific people and I was to confess some sin that I had been walking in. I was also to bring to attention some wounds that I had, but had successfully hidden them away for anyone to see. I didn’t want to do this, so I didn’t. I pulled a pretty classic Jonah and ran the other way.
God showed me that I had built up this really beautiful mask that was strong, independent, inpenatrateable. I had learned how to function in my daily life behind this mask. Bigger than that, He wanted me to confess and ask for help renouncing a lie that I had believed. This lie was so deeply rooted that everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) I did functioned out of this “false foundation”.
The lie was this, “I will never be good enough. I will never measure up. I can’t do anything. No one really wanted me. Not even God is talking to me.”
I know that I am not alone in this feeling of worthlessness. Most women, in particular, have dealt with this very lie at some point in their lives. For me, this lie took root at the young age of 12. Side note- doesn’t that just show how weak the enemy is? He has to prey on kids to feel good. What a jerk.
Fast forward some time, and this lie is starting to show its ugly face. I started questioning relationships, my ability to be a good mom, my ability to be a good wife, my coaching, even my place in our church that we have been a part of for almost ten years! I even started seeing this lie come out in one of my kids. That’s when I decided that I needed to get my act together.
One morning I was sitting with The LORD and asking Him “What do I do? I feel so alone and lost and forgotten. Even by you.” Then, I hear Him.
“I already told you what to do”
So I called the meeting.
And you know what? I wished that I had done it sooner! True freedom came from that meeting, and why wouldn’t it? It was a God designed meeting!
The next week my family had a vacation planned and part of the trip was to The Grand Canyon. Gosh that place is big!
When we got there, the weather was crappy. Overcast and rainy. Because of the clouds, we couldn’t see the vibrant colors that are so iconic to the canyon. That frustrated me, but hey, I was at the Grand Canyon so quite complaining! At one point, I was standing at an overlook and as I looked down I saw these two birds. Then Matthew 6:26 came to mind.
Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value then they? (ESV)
That scripture has been one of my foundational scriptures and somehow, because of this lie, it had fallen to the way side.
When I saw those birds, God impressed on my heart “See those birds? They live in a dry desolate land, and yet I am giving them water today. I am giving them shade from the sun. Don’t you think that I care for you more than this?”
In Matthew 10 verse 31 it says ” Fear not therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”
In that moment, I felt Him. I could see that He never left me. I could see truth that
I am good enough, because He made me good enough. I could see that my cup was never empty. I could feel peace that only comes from Him. Praise Him for His faithfulness!
Tonight, as I sit and write this, I see redemption in my soul. Healing is happening. Forgiveness is happening.
Tonight I see a beautiful mess in progress and the best part is, I don’t have to earn it. I get to be this beautiful mess because of His blood. Because of His grace and mercy that are new every morning. Most of all, I get to be this beautiful mess because of His unending love for me.
For that I will never have the words to express my gratitude.